One year ago tomorrow, I found out I was pregnant with Benjamin. To say the least, it was a very big surprise. I remember looking at the positive pregnancy test, then looking at my almost six month old, who wasn't even sitting up yet, and thinking, "You've got to be kidding me!"
It didn't seem fair. I was wanting a break from being pregnant, from nusing, from the baby phase. I was still nursing. I was just getting on top of having two kids, how would I manage three? But the over riding emotion that I had was fear. I didn't know how I was going to be able to do it. I doubted God's plan for our family. Rather than being joyful at the huge gift we had been given, I was sad.
I took a pregnancy test on Tuesday. It looked kinda positive, but not for sure positive. The next morning, it looked even more positive. Curtis thought it was just a messed up test. So I did the next logical thing.... I called my best friend Christi to see what she thought. Being the ever encouraging friend, she assured me that it was probably negative. But just to be on the safe side, I took it over to her house to have her check it out. :-) I even called the 1-800 number on the back of the pregnancy test box. Jose, the assistant who answered the phone said, "Any vertical line should be read as a positive." Thanks Jose!
So, On Wednesday (the 13th) I took another test. Positive. The next morning, I took another test. Positive. I took a total of eight tests (over the course of three days), almost hoping that one would be negative. All positive.
After the first for sure positive test, I called Christi crying. She was supposed to be the next one pregnant, not me. I was so upset. I didn't want to be pregnant, and I didn't want another baby at that point.
Looking back, I am ashamed at how sinful I was. Of course my reaction was human. But it wasn't the reaction of someone who believes that every child is a precious gift. It was the reaction of someone who doubted her Savior.
All these emotions continued for the first trimester. When I was about 15-16 weeks pregnant, I was diagnosed with post partum depression (PPD). The doctor thinks that I had PPD from when I had Micah, and then the pregnancy sent me into a further depression. It was a really tough time for me personally, for me as a mom, and for Curtis and I. But with the help of Curtis, my family, and my church family, I was able to come out on the other end of things.
Through all of this, I have learned so much. When I think back to how I was feeling a year ago, it brings tears to my eyes. I look at my beautiful son, and praise God that His plans are so much bigger than mine. The thought that there was a time when I didn't want him seems so far, and so long ago. I am so thankful for Benjamin, and for how God used him to continue to sanctify me.
Will and Benjamin didn't quite know what to think about each other. In the picture above, they just looked at each other for awhile. Then, Benjamin started "talking" to Will, which made Will cry, which made Benjamin cry. Now, someone tell me what to do with two screaming four month old babies! They ended of fine, of course, but it was a little sketchy for a minute.
AS you can tell from this picture, Benjamin was a little more interested in Will, than will was in Benjamin. But I'm sure that will change, and hopefully these boys will be great friends!
