Grace

So often, as a Christian raised in a Christian home, I quote scripture without really letting the full weight of what is being said sink in. For example:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

During the time leading up to Benjamin's surgery, and in the days following, I kept telling myself, "All this is for my good and HIS glory." But I struggled to really believe it. How could all this work out for my good, the good of my husband, the good of my other children and most of all, the good of Benjamin? Nothing that was happening seemed good! It was far from good. I had to hand over my six month old son, and watch as strangers carried him down a hallway to have a major surgery where he would have his head cut open, and part of his skull removed. That didn't sound good to me. That moment when I would have to hand Benjamin to the doctor was one that I dreaded. When I tried to think about it, I couldn't. I literally couldn't handle it.

People kept asking me how I was doing, how I was holding up. And truthfully, I was shocked at how well I was doing. In the back of my mind though, I was a wreck. The thought of surgery, of handing my baby over, terrified me.

The day before surgery was providentially a Sunday. I received more hugs that day! And I kept hearing, "It's going to be okay." "We'll be praying." And I knew those words to be true. I kept telling myself, "For my good and HIS glory." Then a sweet elder in our church, Mr. Moehlman, came up to me. He asked me how I was doing, and I replied, "Right now, I'm okay." And he told me something that helped me through. "God gives us daily grace. Don't worry about tomorrow, because when it gets here, you will have the grace to get through it." Again, words I knew to be true, but words that weren't quite sinking in.

At just after midnight, the day of surgery, I nursed Benjamin for the last time before his surgery. I was dreading him waking up, hungry and wanting to nurse, knowing that I wouldn't be able to nurse him. Then, at about 4am, he woke up. And surprise, surprise, God gave me the grace to handle Benjamin's sadness and hunger. After Curtis and I got him back to sleep, I just laid in bed, thanking God for that grace, and praying that I would continue to receive it.

While we were in the waiting room with Benjamin I couldn't hold him. Poor guy was so hungry, and just wanted to eat! And at six month old, there was no explaining why Mommy couldn't feed him. So Curtis held him. When they took us back to the prep room, Benjamin kept reaching for me, crying to be fed. It was heartbreaking! The thought of handing Benjamin over to the doctor kept coming to mind. I was so afraid that I wouldn't get to hold my baby one more time before that moment. Not knowing what else to do, I started crying. But I didn't lose it like I thought I would. Again, God's amazing grace!

As Curtis and I were putting Benjamin in his hospital gown, he kept reaching for me, and I finally took him, not knowing how well he would do, being with me but not being able to eat. I held him, sang to him, and we prayed over him. And he fell asleep. Nothing but God's wonderful grace!!

The doctors came, and I handed Benjamin over to them, putting him in their care, but more importantly, I again handed my son over to his Heavenly Father. And that was it. The worst moment was over, and I was still standing.

God's grace and peace continued to wash over us through out the day. The moments I had dreaded passed because of the loving care of my Father. 24 hours after surgery, and I hadn't lost it! I say this not to boast in my ability, but in the power of my Savior! Today, when I think back over the day of Benjamin's surgery, it breaks my heart. I can't look at pictures from his time in the hospital without being brough to tears. God gave me the grace that I needed for that day, and for those moments.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39