"lucky"

I just finished reading a friends blog where she vented about some of the comments she receives from people when talking about the premature birth of her sons. In no way have I had to deal with all that she and her boys have been through. But I could relate to what she was saying.

In conversations about Benjamin, I often hear, "Oh, you're so lucky to have a baby with a helmet! I'll bet every mother wishes her baby had a helmet."

Here are my thoughts (and vent) in response to that.

Are you kidding me?!?!

Sure, the helmet does give me a certain peace of mind now that Benjamin is becoming mobile. But I wouldn't wish to go through this again.

Yes, I'm sure every mother wishes she had to make major medical decision like we did. We were lucky to get to sign tons of paper work listing all the possible risks that our son could encounter during surgery. It was a ton of fun to get to sit in a waiting room for four hours, knowing that my baby was having having major surgery, losing blood, having a transfusion, and all the while I wasn't with him. He woke up to strangers, not me.

We were lucky to spend three full days in a hospital, two hours away from our other children and our church family, getting about three hours of sleep a night.

We are lucky to have made almost a dozen trip to Austin in a three month period. We are lucky to have to spend the money on food, gas, and of course medical bills.

I'm sure every mother wishes she could go through all that, just to have the reassurance that a helmet might bring.

I know people don't intend their comments to come across that way. I've often thought, "What would I say to a mom or dad if I saw them with a helmeted child, and didn't know why he was wearing it?" And I don't know what I would say. So, I would say nothing. And sometimes, I wish strangers would just say nothing too.

I don't consider myself, or Benjamin to be lucky. However, we are very blessed. We are blessed to have caught his craniosynistosis when we did. We were blessed to see a wonderful doctor, and be in a wonderful hospital. We are blessed with family and friends who have surrounded us with their love and prayers. And most of all, we are blessed with the daily grace to walk down this road and continue on this journey. It is truly amazing the grace that we have been showered with!

You're right Lindsey, that does feel better. :-) Until the next comment.

Look familiar?

Stolen from Mr. Matt's blog.

Isaiah 59:17 He put on righteousness as his breastplate, and the HELMET of salvation on his head; he put on the garments of vengeance and wrapped himself in zeal as in a cloak.

1 Thessalonians 5:8 But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a HELMET.

Melmet Check

Just for the record, this is a happy face. A very happy face! And if you click on it, you can see a bigger version of his new teeth. Usually babies get their front two bottom teeth first. Benjamin got the tooth next to the front two bottom teeth first. The two bottom teeth are making their appearance now, as is one of the top ones.

This picture was taken this morning as we were loading up to head to Austin for a "melmet check" (as Micah calls it). Before I get to the details of the trip, the doctor's report was another good one. Benjamin's head has continued to get wider, and the circumference is bigger. The orthotist is very pleased!

You know how you have trips where lots of little things go wrong making it feel like everything is going wrong? That's kinda how today was. My friend Ashlee had graciously offered to ride with us. But her sweet daughter got sick. Normally I wouldn't care, but it seems that several of the kiddos in our church family have been sick. So far, we've avoided it so I thought it best to just go on my own. Curtis thought that the idea was pure craziness, and took the day off to come with me.

Before we had even started this morning, we found out the DVD player for the van was broken. The Elizabeth's Leap Pad started acting up. The boys were supposed to sleep on the way to Austin, but didn't. They did quickly fall asleep on the way to lunch though, making lunch a challenge. On the ride home, the baby did sleep, but somehow Micah stayed awake. Elizabeth feel sound asleep when we were about 15 minutes from the house.

So, Benjamin is already in bed, Micah is about to go down, and Elizabeth will probably be up till 10:00, which will be about the time Ben wakes up. Sigh. Good thing we love these crazy kids of ours! Oh, and did I mention that Micah has been up since 5:30 am?

All that aside, we are so thankful for how well Benjamin is going. Praise God for how smoothly things are going right now for him, and for how well his little head is healing. God is good!

"On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many." 2 Corinthians 1:10-11

"I will give thanks to the LORD with my whole heart;

I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.

I will be glad and exult in you;

I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.

But the LORD sits enthroned forever;

he has established his throne for justice,

and he judges the world with righteousness;

he judges the peoples with uprightness.
The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed,

a stronghold in times of trouble.

And those who know your name put their trust in you,

for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.
Sing praises to the LORD,

who sits enthroned in Zion!

Tell among the peoples his deeds!"

Psalm 9:1-2 and 7-11

Grace

So often, as a Christian raised in a Christian home, I quote scripture without really letting the full weight of what is being said sink in. For example:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

During the time leading up to Benjamin's surgery, and in the days following, I kept telling myself, "All this is for my good and HIS glory." But I struggled to really believe it. How could all this work out for my good, the good of my husband, the good of my other children and most of all, the good of Benjamin? Nothing that was happening seemed good! It was far from good. I had to hand over my six month old son, and watch as strangers carried him down a hallway to have a major surgery where he would have his head cut open, and part of his skull removed. That didn't sound good to me. That moment when I would have to hand Benjamin to the doctor was one that I dreaded. When I tried to think about it, I couldn't. I literally couldn't handle it.

People kept asking me how I was doing, how I was holding up. And truthfully, I was shocked at how well I was doing. In the back of my mind though, I was a wreck. The thought of surgery, of handing my baby over, terrified me.

The day before surgery was providentially a Sunday. I received more hugs that day! And I kept hearing, "It's going to be okay." "We'll be praying." And I knew those words to be true. I kept telling myself, "For my good and HIS glory." Then a sweet elder in our church, Mr. Moehlman, came up to me. He asked me how I was doing, and I replied, "Right now, I'm okay." And he told me something that helped me through. "God gives us daily grace. Don't worry about tomorrow, because when it gets here, you will have the grace to get through it." Again, words I knew to be true, but words that weren't quite sinking in.

At just after midnight, the day of surgery, I nursed Benjamin for the last time before his surgery. I was dreading him waking up, hungry and wanting to nurse, knowing that I wouldn't be able to nurse him. Then, at about 4am, he woke up. And surprise, surprise, God gave me the grace to handle Benjamin's sadness and hunger. After Curtis and I got him back to sleep, I just laid in bed, thanking God for that grace, and praying that I would continue to receive it.

While we were in the waiting room with Benjamin I couldn't hold him. Poor guy was so hungry, and just wanted to eat! And at six month old, there was no explaining why Mommy couldn't feed him. So Curtis held him. When they took us back to the prep room, Benjamin kept reaching for me, crying to be fed. It was heartbreaking! The thought of handing Benjamin over to the doctor kept coming to mind. I was so afraid that I wouldn't get to hold my baby one more time before that moment. Not knowing what else to do, I started crying. But I didn't lose it like I thought I would. Again, God's amazing grace!

As Curtis and I were putting Benjamin in his hospital gown, he kept reaching for me, and I finally took him, not knowing how well he would do, being with me but not being able to eat. I held him, sang to him, and we prayed over him. And he fell asleep. Nothing but God's wonderful grace!!

The doctors came, and I handed Benjamin over to them, putting him in their care, but more importantly, I again handed my son over to his Heavenly Father. And that was it. The worst moment was over, and I was still standing.

God's grace and peace continued to wash over us through out the day. The moments I had dreaded passed because of the loving care of my Father. 24 hours after surgery, and I hadn't lost it! I say this not to boast in my ability, but in the power of my Savior! Today, when I think back over the day of Benjamin's surgery, it breaks my heart. I can't look at pictures from his time in the hospital without being brough to tears. God gave me the grace that I needed for that day, and for those moments.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

Because it's been awhile.

Nothing much happening here. Thank goodness! We needed some "nothing happening" time.

Benjamin did have a helmet appointment on Monday morning. Everything looked great! The doctor hadn't seen Benjamin since he had his initial helmet fitting in January, and was very pleased with how well Benjamin's head is looking. The back of his head is just about perfect, so we are now working on the forehead area. Even though there is still room to improve, we are so thrilled with how well Benjamin is doing! Praise God!

We don't go back to Austin till the 21st, which is still two weeks away! It's nice to be on a more spaced out schedule.

Thank you to everyone who is continuing to lift Benjamin up in prayer. Your prayers are felt, and encourage us greatly! Please continue to pray that his recovery would go as well as it has so far.

New helmet design

"My Life is a Zoo!"
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